Stepping into the Ready-Made Family - Some Challenges for the New Step Parent

You’ve been single your whole life and never had to deal with children. You’ve always had your space, been able to come and go when you want, do what you want how you want, and you really like it that way.

You suddenly become involved with another woman who is recently divorced, with two girls, ages 14 and 8.  It seems to be a lot of baggage, but you weigh it out to determine whether or not you want to be with this person badly enough to try to make it work. And you do.

So you’re going to be a stepparent. Congratulations! You and your new partner have many decisions to make concerning your new relationship and your future together.

You are in for a new experience entailing ups and downs like you have never in your life imagined. Though trying on your nerves, you will get out of your new relationship with your step kids what you put into it. It’s the same as any relationship and they all take work. The difference is, you are now the “other” parent. With this, you will most likely face a different set of challenges, but nothing that can’t be ironed out with a little extra effort, patience, and understanding. A tough skin never hurts, either.

Don’t let ignorance hurt your feelings

Some people are just clueless, and you will have to start to develop “ignorance tolerance” within yourself to be able to deal with issues that arise and you want to blow your top. Keeping your calm composure is important, especially when the kids are near. Remember, you are the parent, and these people are just outsiders who know nothing about you, nor do they need to as it’s none of their business.
Don’t let your feelings become hurt when the school your stepchild attends doesn’t recognize you as a parent to that child. The biological mother will have to make sure to fill out the registration paperwork denoting that you are the “other” parent or guardian.

When you go to the store, expect someone to always mention something about the child’s “dad” if you and your partner are there together. It just seems inevitable, but nothing could irritate a wound more than that.

You might not get any credit with parenting these kids because people are going to automatically assume the child has a mother and a father raising them. You might be scoffed at, stared at, laughed at, or ignored. Some people just can’t see outside the box. Most of the time, justification just isn’t worth it and it wouldn’t matter anyway.

Of course, much of this has to do with geographical location. If you are living in Arkansas, for example, it might be more difficult for a school to see you as the other parent when the other parent would typically be of the opposite sex. In Manhattan, you will most likely find more open-minded people who are susceptible to differences and understand them better. This is something to keep in mind.

Is it worth moving? It might be something to look into if you’re in it for the long haul with this person.

You might be invisible - other times you will want to be

If the kids have another biological parent involved in their lives, it can make you feel like you have no rights to these kids. And rightly so because you probably don’t as the relationship is so new. Sometimes, it can be a very confusing and frustrating role for the new person stepping into these shoes.

There might be backlash from the other biological parent concerning your relationship with their ex and “their” kids. These are things you have to consider, and take with a grain of salt.

Many biological parents might not take so easily to the thought of a gay or lesbian relationship being so close to their kids. The idea is to not involve the kids in any negative behavior, attitudes, or dis services. They are entitled to live the life of a child and not have to deal with parental issues that they could never control anyway.

If your new partner’s ex is liberal minded and accepts your relationship, you can breathe a heavy sigh of relief.  The last thing you want for your new partner is involvement with the courts and the custodial rights to her children being jeopardized because the ex is angry and doesn’t want his children involved in a lesbian household.

Dealing with the gay “issues”

You won’t be seen as a valid, legal parent to these children unless you fight for your rights to be.  Since you don’t have any legal documentation to the rights of your partner’s kids, you have to firstly, convince yourself that you are the child’s other equal parent, and secondly, convince everyone else.

You have a lot of questions to ask yourself, and a lot of things to discuss with your partner. You will need to research, think ahead, and stay abreast of situations that could potentially evolve concerning your children that you might not have even thought of before.

Maybe you live in a state that prohibits same sex couples from parenting or adopting. Maybe your new girlfriend’s parents are homophobic and don’t want their grandkids around you. Maybe there is little tolerance for gay or lesbian lifestyles in the area in which you live.

Is your relationship going to be “out”, or in the closet? Are you going to tell the kids your new partner is their “Aunt Jane” or “Uncle Don” while you keep your relationship hidden from them? Are the both of you going to tell the kids together, or separately? Are the kids old enough to understand but not old enough to really know the difference? What’s going to happen if you tell the kids and the ex doesn’t know but finds out through the kids? What about when the kid goes to school and tells other kids in the class she has 2 mommies?

What if the kids learn of your relationship but disapprove because of what society or your ex has taught them, and cause hardships for you and your partner? What if the kids don’t really understand what’s going on but you see they are being discriminated at school because you are now their “other parent?”

These are all very possible questions of realities to consider.

And these are all concerning your relationship with your partner and the social influences from the outside world reacting to it. What about the actual role of being another parent to these children? Where do you pick up a book to learn that job?

Boundaries and Challenges

You have to realize that your role of stepparent will have it’s own set of boundaries in your new family. There will need to be clear understandings of the previous dynamics in the family, and who had what roles. Discipline, routines, schedules will all need to be discussed, worked out, and amended to fit your new family dynamic.

Will the kids be disciplined by their biological parents only? Do the biological parents want you involved in the discipline of their children at all? What if the kids know of your relationship but disapprove and cause hardships for you and your partner? What if the kids don’t really understand what’s going on but you see they are being discriminated at school because you are now their “other parent?”

You need to know what responsibilities you will be expected to have concerning the children. What is going to be expected of you? Are you going to take a backseat stance so you really don’t have any involvement with the responsibility of your partner’s kids? These are things that need to be discussed early on to avoid potentially devastating problems with your partner in the future.

Always keep communication lines open

Don’t make the mistake of keeping things hidden from your partner if you have problems, concerns, insecurities, fears, or other challenges that might start driving you apart.

It’s typical for resentments to be built up in time if communication is lost for the fear of hurting someone’s feelings. You always need to talk to your partner. Don’t kid yourself and keep yourself closed up because you don’t want to stir things up in the house. Honesty is always the best policy, and if you arrive at tricky situations within your new family, sitting down and talking about it logically will probably take care of problems before they get too large to deal with.

This goes for the kids as well. Talking to kids openly about things going on in their world is going to be equally important. You don’t want to start having problems with your new step kids because they think you don’t care about them or feel they are not worthy enough to you. You have to spend time with them, help them understand things, treat them with respect, and be their coach.

You can’t be a good parent and a strong role model for a child if you can’t demonstrate responsibility through solid communication with those you love.

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